The First One

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 21:12:29 +0200

I won't start by introducing myself, there is plenty of time to be bored with pleasantries. I will start by saying that twenty minutes ago I made a discovery; one that presented me with both a deep and outstretching despair and a delicious kind of relief. It was a realisation that caused me for a second to feel more self-aware than I liked or am used to but at the same time I was treated to a rare and brief moment of self understanding and for that I am enormously grateful.

I realise I'm not being very lucid, I'm trying to empty through my keyboard, in the clearest way possible, my current thoughts.

I've been thinking about writing some things down for a while, but when it comes to it I'm often at loss as to what I should write. On those odd occasions that I do summon sufficient courage to begin to write my mind starts to whir; a million thoughts of self doubt - is it interesting enough? what will everyone think? what if people challenge my opinions?

And until today I hadn't truly realised how frightened I am of people, and life, and myself. I stumble half-heartedly through my life all the time worrying what people will think, what if I say the wrong thing, or make a mistake, or make a decision that goes awry? I have been terrified by something into limiting my self and my potential.

And what is the point of that?

So I'm determined to overcome this, and in that lies the despair..it is sure to be a long and obstacle strewn path but along with the despair of knowing what I have to do comes also the relief of knowing exactly what I need to do.

And so draws to a close the self involved journey of my first post. Happier ramblings of a happier girl tomorrow

besorg-blog@hush.com

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Living in The Third Person

The First One